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A new spring day.

The wind blew through my hair, just right. It didn't tangle, it just blew right through it, calmly, but enough to get it off of my shoulders, and blow past my ears, giving me a refreshing sense. The weather was amazing this cloudy and dull afternoon. The sun was hiding, not even making an attempt to say hello, but that didn't matter. It was a comfortable and amazing 50 degrees out and it felt like the winter was actually going to break this time. You can only deal with so much snow, and so many days of zero degrees. And the scent in the air was beautiful. So fresh, like a new spring day had come out of the woodworks. It was like standing in the middle of a rain storm and having everything washed away, minus the rain.

More snow, same storm?

And there we are, standing in the snow, someone walks by, on their way back to their own dorm, doesn’t say a word. Our bodies pressed against each others, gently kissing in the whispers. I am sure a poem is running through your mind, but to the title, I could not say. Maybe a sonnet, or perhaps a free-verse, or your favorite, a haiku. I know how you love them. And through this, all I can see is you, and the gorgeously goofy wave I get every time I walk into the field house. I am amazed that every time I walk in, you see me, not 5 seconds after I walk through the door, even between the lacrosse balls being thrown, and through the nets, and the runners on the track, and between all the people there that you are talking to anyway. It is always me you spot, before anyone else has a chance. Still, here we are in the snow, you stop, and you look at me, not saying a word, taking my hand, you walk, and lead me to your townhouse, where you can’t help but sneak another kiss or five at the door before we walk inside. Opening the door, I am nervous following you, but you look at me with your reassuring eyes, telling me to relax, because you can feel the tension in my fingers, that are not so willing to bend as they should. You let us in, to get out of the cold, and you say, ‘Hold on, one second.’ And I nod, you run upstairs real quick, maybe to see if anyone is home, maybe to use the bathroom, maybe to grab a drink, or maybe to relax a bit yourself. But then I am snapped back to reality. I don’t know what brought me from the dream, maybe it was the stairs I had to climb, or the car that was driving past as I was walking aimlessly, or the fire house alarm sounding for a fire call. Whatever it was, it was surely not welcome. Every time it seemed something brought me to at this point in the story, and I still have not figured out what would happen next. Still, I looked forward to seeing you in the Union the next morning. I have seen you several times, and every time, I get a sheepish, almost shy wave from you, when you see me walk in. Your eyes find me even in the most crowded of times, and I scan the window seats, half knowing you will be there with a cup of coffee and your laptop, but still surprised every time I do find you. And the wave you give me there is the opposite of the one I get at the wall, but when passing each other on the sidewalk, perhaps on our way to our respective classes, I get the wall wave. I look for you everywhere I go, hoping you will be there, and when you are, walk to me, and talk to me on your own accord, and make it more than friendly. But you never do, and my dreams die a little, until the next time I see you, or the next time I am alone, or the next time my mind somehow materializes your voice. I don’t know if I should have hope with you, or not. My very nature deems it necessary, but your actions say much less than I am sure I make it out to be.

The snow was falling...

I was walking back, and everything was perfect, except one thing was missing, a hand that should have been holding mine. As for everything else, it was a just perfect temperature of about 30 degrees, and the wind was calm, almost impossible to detect without the gentle falling of the beautiful snow flakes. The perfect kind of snowflakes. The ones that seem to whisper as they hit the ground, and you can feel as they fall into your hair, and lay a fresh white blanket over everything in sight. The kind that refreshes the scene, makes life beautiful, and seems to slow time down. That is how the world felt as I stepped from the gym into the weather, back to my dorm. I walked down the same path I do every time I leave the rock wall, and you were there climbing. Nothing changes, not the steps, not the time, not the thoughts in my head, not the fact that I walk, hoping you will be there behind me, running to catch up, and asking me to stop. Asking me to stop, to wait for you, for you to grab my hands, look me in the eyes, not breaking your stare, slowly getting closer until our lips touch, and we close our eyes, almost reluctant to break the gaze we share, but yet so willing because of what we know will come. Just imagining this distant dream takes my breath away, makes me stop, to catch it, and makes me dizzy, as I feel even my fingertips tingle from the ecstasy I imagine as this wonderful situation plays out in my mind.

Sounds Like This...

If you are at all familiar with Eric Hutchinson, then you know this is the title of his newest album. This one is a review of, you guessed it, Eric. I was introduced to him by one of my friends, and I think he is just fabulous. I have never liked a certain artist so much, so quickly.

He is a mix between John Mayer and Jason Mraz. His voice and catchy-ness is much like Jason Mraz in 'I'm Yours', but he plays his guitar much like John Mayer. But Eric is able to capture these two styles, mixing them in with his own bits and he becomes his own artist. I use Mayer and Mraz simply as a comparison for those of you who have not yet heard Eric Hutchinson for yourself.

Hutchinson has a quirk in just about all of his songs, for repeating certain words, like Oh, in the song Oh!. He also repeats Na alot in Rock 'N Roll, but he does not over do it. He walks the line so gracefully between stuck in your head annoying, and catchy sweet.

I only have been listening to him, for not even 24 hours, and already I cannot get enough of him. If you are a fan of Jason Mraz, John Mayer, Jack Johnson, or Dave Matthews, I highly recommend Eric Hutchinson, as I am sure he will quickly become a recurring name in your playlist.

My Valentine's Secret... <3

You, Mr. Jared Dean, are the one I am starting to fall in love with. You drive me crazy just dreaming of the next time I get to talk with you. Everytime I walk into the Union, I look at every table next to the windows, because I hope that you might be there, and ask me to come sit with you. I go to the rock wall every night, hopeing that in the walk back to my dorm, I won't make it all the way, because you will ask me to your dorm. Every time I see a kiss on TV, I imagine the next time you see me, you won't be able to resist yourself, and push me against a wall, and you will lay one on me. You are so nice to me, but yet you were so weary of me until you got to know me a little bit more. I want to get to know you a lot more. I, Mr. Jared Dean, am looking for love, and I have been for a very long time, and I am longing to take the next chance with you. I am, at this point hoping that you are the last chance I take, but do keep in mind, it is still a chance.

Mr. Jared Dean, You are driving my foolishly hopeless, and I am loving every second of it.

Skirts over Jeans, literally.

So much has happened. Before I begin though, I must say this is turning into more of a journal than anything. Hmm. I am going to eventually fix this. Well, Onward...

Was walking back to my room from the rock wall, and was walking with Jared and Bryan, Jared's friend, and when we parted ways, it is my and Jared going one way, and Bryan the other. Well, as we parted Jared says, 'Well, looks like it is just you and me.' And makes that suggestive clicky noise with his mouth, and Bryan said soemthing about him being a creeper, and Jared and I while walking had a conversation. Point is I am crazy and excited about that. I really like him. Any one have any tips on how to get him?

Now, on to the blog part.

Clothes... clothes help us to exress ourselves, or to hide ourselves. Either way clothes are part of who we are.

For those who like to look fashinable and wear popular clothes, I have decided are not trying to look astonishing. They are trying to blend in. If they wear popular clothes, no one will notice them because they just fit with the group, or the majority of the group.

Then you have a group of people that like to mix it up, but not look too outlandish. These people like to be part of the group and still have a desire to express themselves, but still not be singled out. These people wear popular clothes but are not focused on the latest style, but taking it, and perhaps willing to bargain shop, or add a twist of their own, like a favorite belt, or pair of shoes that would not be generally accepted alone.

Then you have people who are willing to take popular style and largely modify it. They take something that would be accepted apart, but when the outfit is put together, it is fashonable, but maybe a little fashion forward. These are people who like to be part of a group but can and will survive on their own. They don't need the group identification.

Then you have people who are their own style. They wear whatever they want, when ever they want, and would most times not gice a flying monkey butt about being part of the group.

Finally you have people who are a combination. Peopl like me. Not everyone is the same combination... but I will explain my style.

I am a person who likes to be with a group but still loves being identified as her own person, and depending on the group, would prefer it. When I was little, I would wear dresses and skirts over jeans. I ahve always done that. I also used to wear watches on my ankle. Now I am not so fashinably independant, but still love to add my own flair.

Foolishly Hopeless, ... still.

So, I worked up some courage, and asked Jared if he would join me at the hockey game on Saturday.  When he answered, he said maybe, he had plans for a party, but didn't know if he was gonna go.  So satisfied with the answer I let the subject go.  So, came Saturday.  Saw him earlier in the Union, where he made a point to say hi to me, because he just about shouted my name when I had my headphones on and didn't hear him, but when I saw him later at the rock wall, he didn't say a damn word, or even look at me.  I am utterly puzzled.  It ended up, I think he blew me off, and I don't even think he went to the party.  So, here I am lonely once again, still looking, but you will be proud of me, I haven't gotten too attached.  I am pretty happy with that.  Lets look for the good in this???

Signed,

Still Foolishly Hopeless.

Oh boy... again.. ha.

Yes. Same boy as Boy oh Boy. Thats right, Jared.

So, I went to the rockwall, after having some frustrating day with my car, to relax, figured it wouldn't be so busy, but I was wrong. So, I walked up to the wall anyway, and got a harness. As I was walking up Jared saw me, and started waving at me like a dork. But I loved it. :) So, I put my harness on, and got ready to climb. The thing that makes me laugh the most though, is that I got a very obvious wave, but he barely said a word to me unless I initiated the conversation. Almost as if he was too shy, but yet he could wave to me. I am utterly confused, but I like him oh so much. I just wish I knew if he liked me or not. Boy oh Boy, you are starting to drive me... hmm, what is a good word for this? Not yet crazy, loopy perhaps? Try, maybe... odd? You are starting to drive me odd, maybe not... hmm... Wait, got it!!! Mr. Jared Dean, you are starting to drive me foolishly hopeless.

I like it,...

Mr. Jared Dean, you are starting to drive me foolishly hopeless.

Signed,
girl with the brown eyes full of dreams.

The list.

So mnay times have I been tagged in this on facebook, so here is where my random trivia goes. Like the good trivia, not just that crap you put up that everyone knows already.

1) I am a very serious person. Sometimes, too serious, but then I am too laid back when a situation presents itself that I do need to be serious about.

2) If I don't think you are up to my standards, I won't give you the time of day. Well, maybe a minute, but if you are a fool who doesn't show the slightest bit of maturity, then, no, you get none of my time.

3) I like to believe I can read people really well. I have proved this by literally reading people to their face and they are like hey, yeah, thats true. I did this to one of my friends, who when it happened, I didn't know very long.

4) I cherish family more than anything you could ever hand to me.

5) I love being a dork, and I only let loose when I am around the people I love, that is when I act like some one much younger than I am. I must say I love being a dork.

6) I love food. I love food because of the taste, and because in my family, we always eat and cooked together... ALWAYS!!! Dinner is a sit down meal, and all I can say, is sadly that tradition is fading much too quickly.

7) I hung out with someone I haven't seen in years this past weekend. It was awesome to see her again.

8) Family is not always blood. Katie is a prime example. She is my sister. She always will be. Kayla, who is blood, is my sister even though she is my cousin.

9) I love SUNY Potsdam, and I love the fact that no one from my high school is here. We have an amazing program and absolutly fabulous facilities.

10) I sleep. Not so much that I sleep alot, I just sleep when it is dark out. Just a habit. IDK, maybe a good one? I like it. Some people say I go to bed early, but I think they go to bed much too late.

11) I feel I have a great sense of responsability. I am fully supporting myself while away at school. I have two jobs, you could say, workstudy, and TSC. I am going to pay every penny of school, I pay my own insurance, gas, registration, all of it, myself. I buy my own clothes, technology, nessecities, and miraculously, I can do my own laundry.

12) I love my jobs. TSC and the rock wall. I also love the people I have met through these experiences.

13) I am lonely alot. I have very few friends up here, and I spend most of my free time in my dorm. As a result, I have not made any friends. I wish that I could be here in Potsdam, and still be close to everyone.

14) I am very aware of my surroundings. More aware than the average person. I listen intently, and I catch minor detains, that were different than the last time I may have been there. I also watch what people do, and wonder why they do it.

15) I feel that in a group of strangers I either don't measure up, or they don't measure up to me. I rarely feel equal, unless it is my family/friends.

16) I love comedy. I love to laugh until I cry.

17) I am interested in photography. I have started to snap pictures of my surroundings. I have a digital camera. I want to be an amazing photographer in my spare time.

18) I live by my music. Music can dictate my moods. But my moods will dictate my music.

19) I am semi lactose intolerant. I say semi because I can eat ice cream, to a point. If it is rich, I get sick. Like my moms, she uses whole milk, and I get sick every time I eat it, but I LOVE her ice cream. But I can eat cheese, and I can have a bowl of cereal. I don't understand it.

20) I love being up on technology, but I don't go out and buy the latest and greatest. I do my research. I can keep a piece of electronics for years and still be rather nice. I take great care of major purchases.

21) I fall way too fast for men. They make me all giddy inside. I am unusually attracted to military men. If I liked you before and I find out you are some how affiliated with the military, I swoon that much more.

22) I tend to mold into whatever my boyfriend is into. For example, when I dated Amos, I wore good clothes, and took care in my apperance, but when I dated Jason, I took little care in my appearence, wearing camo pants and a simple t-shirt often.

23) My emotions run deep. I love and hate passionatly. Rarely is there an in between with me.

24) I base my life on where I was, not how old I was. I have moved so much, that my life's memory is split up into places we were stationed. But I feel that because I have moved around so much, it is a good thing. I have been exposed to alot, and I feel very worldly, perhaps more than someone who has been to another country. Tourists have no right to say they are worldly, they have not experienced the culture just because they hoped on a plane and flew over, and stayed in a hotel and saw all the hot spots. You experience the culture by living it, but diving into it.

25) I suppose the final one should be a kicker. I am stubborn, and I believe that I am beautiful, even if you do not. I probably think you are ugly, and I and much smarter than you. Of course if you are a friend, family member, or boy of interest, you are more than likely exempt from this train of thought.

My Birthday!!!!

Here it is.  I am twenty. The big two-oh.  No longer a teenager.  

I think it is funny because everyone keeps asking me, "How does it feel to be twenty?"

And I reply, " I don't know, I still feel twenty five."  And we all laugh.

I say this because I feel way more mature that most of the twenty year olds around me.  All of my friends are at least 24 or so.  I surround myself with older people, and I feel older.

But over all, I must say I enjoyed it all.  I started my day rock climbing with my friend Sarah, who made me brownies!!  I was so excited because I was not expecting it at all.  I have known her for maybe a semester.  I was so happy.  I even had a successful climb on the wall, making one of the best climbs technically I have ever made.

Then I went to class, but met Joli for lunch, and found Mitch while I was there.  So we had lunch, and Joli gave me a beautiful butterfly necklace.  

After my three o'clock class, I met Amber, from Maine, and we went to Massena where I got a new phone.  I met her husband for more than 5 minutes this time as well.  I like him, he is very nice.  I got the LG VU.  It is really cool, touchscreen and everything.  And the best part about it is Jon who got fired, (If I understand correctly), now owns the place.  I used to go in to pay my bill there just because, he is really good looking.  Anyway, he set me up with a good deal, and made my plan better, and threw in a free car charger.  I thought it was so funny, and I can't get over the free car charger.

Eventually Amber and Michael took me to Sergi's for dinner.  It was awesome.  I love being around people who love me.  Then we went to the Potsdam hockey game, where we (the school) won 7 - 3 against Morrisville.  

I would say all in all, I had a wonderful day.  

I love you all!!!!!

I've been doing some thinking...

And I can't help but wonder why my life is how it is, and why I feel the way I do.  But, I am happy with everything right now, well for the most part.  I am really far from my family and friends, but I am continuing my education to become a teacher, and hopefully inspire many of the young minds that follow me and my generation.  

I know that for the things that matter, we often have to make a trade, and for me I traded my proximity to family for an education.  I am sometimes regretful, and wish I could stay home, but I know that in the long run, things will turn out for the best.  I do get to see my family on breaks, for a month over Christmas, and three months over the summer, so things aren't so bad.

I also get upset because I have no one to cuddle with.  I am a huge sap and love being romantic.  Only problem, I have no one to be romantic with.  I also however love to flirt.  I just do.  I guess I just want to find the perfect man.  I have been looking since I was old enough to know that love happens, and isn't just a faerietale.  Since I found out that love is real.  I just think I look to hard, and I just need to be more patient.  I believe that love will find me, I am just afraid that it won't happen for a while.  I want so bad to be happy with somebody.  

Sometimes, it makes me feel good to know that I am not alone in the world, and other people feel the same way I do.  If anything has taught me that it is PostSecret.  I love the raw emotion those cards hold.  And you can feel it as the reader because you know what courage it took to put it to paper.  It is one thing to hold something in your heart and let it tear you up, but it is a whole nother thing to see it and have to face it.  I love though, that some of the cards are so rejoyceful, and happy, even though it could not be vocalized.  Things like PostSecret put my life into perspective.  It makes me understand and more fully appreciate everything I have.  (I did before, but it makes me think at least once a week how lucky I really am.)  

But, before I end this entry, I will leave with a few things.  One is a reply that was put on the PostSecret site that really struck me...

"Finding the things that you weren't looking for is one of the most amazing surprises in life. Maybe you're someone's amazing surprise."

And finally my favorite poem ever.  It really makes me think about where I am, where I have been, and where I am going.

TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference. -Robert Frost

Back 2 School

That is one of the best movies in the world, but of course Rodney Dangerfield is amazingly talented, and of course hilarious.  Though, I digress.  I am back here at SUNY Potsdam, and don't get me wrong, I love it up here, the education is amazing, the town is wonderful, everyone in the North Country is normally very pleasurable, but I am too far from my family.  Granted it I have created my own support system of people I can rely on, and all of them love me to death, as I love them as well, but I miss my family.  5 hours drive time separates us, thats about 300 miles. (I said about... not 100% sure the distance.)  I know I never grew up particularly close to any extended family other than Uncle Michael and Aunt Angie, and my family is much larger, I was taught to love and appreciate the family you have.  I was also taught that family is not always blood.  Family is some one who will pick you up when you are down, or do everything with their resources to stop you from falling in the first place. (Sometimes one has to hit rock bottom... depending on the person and situation.)  My sister Katie, for instance, who is of course not my blood sister, but is still in many ways connected to me than either of us realize.  For me, Family can be the greatest lifeline you will ever have.  So imagine, my second year away for college, 300 miles away, mature enough to be on my own, yet I cry every time I drive away for a few months to that place people call college.  I can't help it, I just do.  I miss them so much, and I live my mom, my dad, and my brother, all so much.  Keep your family in good terms, but if you are a family oriented person, you should have no troubles any way.

New Years Again...

I love the new year.  It is like a fresh start.  A new beginning, something different, with out scraping all of your hard work in previous years.  See, you get a chance to throw all of your mistakes away, and keep all of your successes.  Most times, you can't really do that.  Actually the new year affects the one thing this rule can never in any other case, be applied to, your life.

And so, that is what I will do.  Make a new me.  Live the best I can, concentrating on the things I need to, as I am not even 21 yet, and I keep thinking love is passing me by.  I will find it, so I should look to school, and make sure my studies are in order.  I will keep focused, and do well at work, and make time for my friends, and family, and not worry about whether or not I look ok, (to a point) And I will become that person I have always wanted to be.